


My Not Actually Extinct Immortal

by Esmethewitch



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, My Immortal (fanfiction)
Genre: Bad Smut, Crack, Enthusiastic Consent, F/M, I'm Going to Hell, Inspired by Chuck Tingle - Freeform, Jane Eyre reference, Light Dom/sub, Parody, Read at Your Own Risk, This Is STUPID, Why Did I Write This?, You Have Been Warned, allosaurus!Draco, canon-typical romanticization of self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 13:10:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18447248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esmethewitch/pseuds/Esmethewitch
Summary: This is a remix of the old fandom classicMy Immortal, in an AU where Draco Malfoy is an allosaurus. A friend of mine and I were discussing how we could makeMy Immortalany worse than it already is while still obeying the conventions of spelling and grammar, and she suggested giving it the Chuck Tingle treatment and making Draco a dinosaur. A series of cursed images seared themselves into my mind, and wouldn't leave until I wrote this late at night. There's no anal, but I'd like to think that it's faithful to the spirit of Chuck Tingle's imaginative genius.





	My Not Actually Extinct Immortal

Hi, my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, and I am a witch. I’m a vampire, but my teeth are straight. I go to a special magical school called Hogwarts, which is in England. I’m pretty sure of that, even though everyone tells me it’s actually Scotland. It doesn’t matter. I am seventeen years old and in the seventh year, so I’ll be out of this den of posers and preps in a matter of months.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a goth and I get all of my clothes from Hot Topic. Today, I wore a leather corset (black), fishnet stockings (pink), black combat boots, and a leather skirt (also black). The dark clothing goes well with my long ebony hair, which has purple streaks and red tips. My eyes are sort of a normal blue, but they often fill with limpid tears when I think about how depressing the world is.

And when I think about sad things like the fact that I’ll probably be single forever. My boobs and my hips are way too big for any man to want, and my waist is too thin. But I work hard on my look with makeup. Today I was wearing white foundation, black lipstick, and red eyeliner. I exited my dormitory in Slytherin and walked outside Hogwarts. It was raining and snowing. I was glad that there was no sun. Then, after about a minute in this downpour I quickly realized that there was no possibility of taking a walk that day. My fingers would be nipped by the cold, and my makeup would run. I went back into Hogwarts, wandering into the Great Hall. A lot of preps stared at me, and one of them with a really stupid preppy badge said that I was “out of Uniform”, so I put up my middle finger up at them.

Draco Malfoy walked up to me. “Hi,” he said. I’ve had a crush on him for first year, but nobody must know. He always looked good, but he was so sexy that my body went hot, the little nub between my legs hurt, and my panties were dripping. I guess this was the girl’s equivalent of an erection.

“Hi,” I replied flirtily. Draco Malfoy is the most gothic person I know. People have said he can’t be properly gothic because he’s an albino allosaurus, but he’s also a vampire and a Satanist, so that makes him super gothic. His eyes are red, and his scales are white, and I love watching him hold a wand in his tiny claws. He has the best taste in gothic music and loves good bands like My Chemical Romance and GC.

“Guess what?” he said. It came out as sort of a roar because that’s the way his vocal cords are set up, but I could tell he was trying to talk quietly.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade. I was wondering if you…want to go with me?”, he asked.

I gasped. “OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD, YES!”, I screamed. I almost swooned.

“Alright, then, I’ll pick you up at 8 outside the Great Hall on Friday,” he said. All I could do was weakly nod.

On the night of the concert, I put on my best leather mini-dress, and did and redid my makeup and hair many times. I was still kind of depressed, so I slit one of my wrists. Because the sight of blood made me hungry (I was too anxious about my date with Draco to eat earlier), I just sucked it back up again. Then I realized that I needed to eat, so I drank some human blood from a bottle in the fridge and felt better. I went in front of the Great Hall, and Draco swung up in his flying black Mercedes Benz, with a license plate that said “666” and a custom seat designed to accommodate his pounds of scale-covered muscle and tail. We flew to the place with the concert and listened to Marilyn Manson on the way. I wanted to smoke drugs, but Draco said that was a bad idea to smoke drugs while driving.

When we got there, we hopped into the mosh pit and jumped and down in front of the stage. It was amazing. “Joel is so fucking hot”, I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung. Draco looked sad. Then, I realized that he was probably jealous. “He’s nice to look at, but he’s not my type,” I said. “I don’t even know him. Anyway, he’s going out with Hillary fucking Duff. And he doesn’t have a tail or claws, and claws are so gothic. I can't get enough of them.”

“You really think so?”, Draco asked shyly.

“Really.”, I said. “I think you are so fucking gothic and hot.”

“Thanks, Ebony!” He put a stubby arm tipped in razor-sharp claws around me protectively. I loved the feel of rough scales against my smooth skin.

The night went really well, and we both had a great time. We got autographs and band t-shirts and drank some beer after the concert. We crawled back into his flying car, all tired from the excitement. Draco started driving. Then, I realized he wasn’t driving back to Hogwarts. He was driving into the Forbidden Forest, carefully weaving around the trees. I would have been worried about the giant spiders, but Draco crushed one of those between his jaws once, so I figured that if they did come out, he’d protect me. But why were we here?

He stopped the flying car. “What the fuck are you doing?”, I asked. He got out after retrieving a small bottle from the glove box, and I followed him.

“Ebony?”, he asked, and looked down at me with his slit-pupiled red eyes. There was so much depressing evilness in them. It made my panties sticky again.

“What?”

“Would you…would you like to have sex with me?” He was nervous, claws trembling.

“Of course, Draco! I’d love to!”

“Alright, then. Just let me know if you feel uncomfortable. I’m a little…big.” He was, I realized. I wasn’t sure how I would take his member. I snuck a peek under his tail, and saw his thingy bulging out. Fuck, it was big. I stood up on my tip-toes and kissed Draco passionately.

“I need to prepare you first,” Draco said. “I’m so big that I should get you properly wet, and then add some lube too. Just in case you aren’t used to a dick of my size.” He gestured to the bottle.

He was so smart. I wanted to agree with him, but all I could do was moan. I took off all my clothes, even my bra. Draco never wore clothes anyway, so he didn’t need to do anything.

“Lie down on the ground and spread your legs,” Draco told me. I did as he asked, blush creeping into my cheeks. All of me was on display for him.

“You like being told what to do, don’t you?” He asked, his voice rumbling low and sultry.

“Yes, Draco, I do,” I panted.

“Hmm…” He tapped one clawed finger against his scaly chin. “What if you called me ‘sir’ while we did this? And I gave you orders? You could say no if there was something you didn’t like, though.”

The thought of Draco dominating me made me even shakier and wetter. “I’d like that,” I told him. “I really would.”

Draco smiled as best he could with a limited set of facial muscles. “I really would _what?_ ”

“I really would like you to tell me what to do, sir,” I said.

“Good, Ebony. Now, I’m going to lick that lovely secret flower of yours until you’re begging me to fuck you, and then I’ll put lube on my dick and in your pussy and ride you until we both come. How does that sound?”

“Oh, Sir, it sounds so good!”

“Then I will do it,” he replied. I lay still on the ground as he opened his jaws and attacked my pussy with his tongue. It was larger than my hand and felt slimy and cold like a raw steak. Yet, it was flexible, and able to reach all the delicious little pockets of nerves inside of me. It felt so good to know that he was tasting me, having me. He settled into a steady rhythm, and the GC song “The Anthem” played in my head. My eyes rolled, and I saw tiny explosions of stars. As Draco ate me out, I was a little worried that he’d eat me, because his serrated teeth occasionally grazed my thighs. But I could slit my wrists and still survive, so I could stand to lose a little blood. Besides, the combination of pleasure and pain was intoxicating.

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” I screamed. I think I was getting an orgasm. But then, he stopped.

“Why the fuck did you stop?” I asked, moaning sexily. “It was so good! Sir.”

“I think you’re ready for my cock,” he growled. “Wouldn’t do for you to come before I’ve properly fucked you.”

I whimpered. “You’ll have to put the lube on me,” he said. “It will just run off my claws.”

I never thought about that before. I pushed myself to my knees and opened the bottle of lube. I squirted some on my hands and rubbed it over his scaly cock. It was as wide as my wrist, and extremely long. It pulsed under my fingers. I shuddered with the anticipation of how full it would stuff me.

“Such a good girl, Ebony. I’m looking forward to making you scream again.”

“Mmm. I can’t wait for you to fuck me hard, sir.”

“Ask, and you shall receive,” he purred, as much as a gigantic, carnivorous lizard can. “Get on your hands and knees.”

I did. He gently positioned himself behind me, and slowly eased his huge cock into my dripping pussy, flush with my own juices and his saliva. First there was a slight burn, but that gradually eased into a gentle stretch. I squirmed underneath him, and he began to move.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?!”, someone screamed.

It was Dumbledore!

The End.


End file.
